Tuesday, March 31, 2009

losing the desire

this will sound weird.

but i have been thinking a lot today about my screaming baby. the one who was not happy today from 12:30 pm until about 5 minutes ago. during the early parts of this long stint of time, there were moments where i looked at her resentfully, like she was doing this on purpose.

then there were moments where i looked at her little quivering chin, her lower lip stuck out, her little hands grabbing in the air for something, anything to comfort her. sometimes they found my neck. and pinched. ouch. as i rocked her, bounced her, cradled her, i would see her face writhe in pain and her stomach scrunch up as it gurgled and churned.

and i was able to come out of my resentment to form a realization:

she does not desire to be this way.

sounds simple, right? like you are right now saying, well yeah, i could have told you that.

but this is my second child with these same problems. the endless screams, the inability to sleep well, the inability to poop on her own. yep, i said that right. daily Q-tip suppositories are soooooo much fun let me tell you. but if they help, then i will do it.

it's hard not to blame the baby. in my sleep-deprived, food-deprived, shower-deprived brain it has tricked me into thinking that she has come to this earth to push me to the end of my rope. to torture me. she wants me to not sleep for the next 3 months. she wants me to get to 5 pm & realize all i have eaten is a yogurt & a handful of white cheddar cheez-its. she wants me to feel gross and stinky and frustrated that i can't even pick up the phone when people call because her screams are so loud i can't hear myself think straight, let alone hear someone else's voice.

for a while today, the bitterness swallowed me up.

but then like i said, i looked at her little face with tears streaming down her cheeks. and her tiny, perfect little body writhing in pain. and i knew.

she doesn't want this just as much...if not more...than i want this. she needs relief as much as i do. she needs comfort, a soft voice, a helping hand. something to let her know that she will not always feel this way.

and this is my job, what i have signed up and committed to do. and because i adore her so darn much, crying and all, i do it.

she is difficult to burp. when she does, it comes out like a deep rumble of an almost-erupting volcano. but that can often take 45 minutes before it arrives. i was up with her this morning from 1:30 am until almost 3am trying to get the darn air out of her belly because i knew if i didn't that we'd be in for it later.

then today, caleb drinks too much water. and burps. on his own.

and i remember there was once a day when i felt this exact same way about him. will this kid ever be able to burp on his own? go poop without screaming for hours before hand?

and now look at him go. a solid self-burper. it can be done.

i know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. unfortunately for me (well for all of us really), it will probably be a couple more months. and what's difficult is that i remember how i was during this same time with caleb.

i lose desire.

desire to eat well, take care of myself, have a social life, or look like a human being. all i desire is for someone else to take the screaming baby from me for a minute & let me sleep. uninterrupted.

so i guess what i'm doing here is apologizing. to those of you who have called & i haven't returned the phone call. or calls. for those who are deserving of a nice thank-you card for the sweet things you sent in the mail, or the meals you sent, or just for being great. for those who wonder if i have dropped off the face of the earth and keep emailing me asking if i'm okay.

the truth is, i'm not. but i know that i will be. my desire to live a normal life as a mother of two instead of as a hermit will return.

i am sorry for the things left undone and i am hoping that once this time passes, i will be able to play catch-up.

and also this is a thank you. reading your upbeat, cheery blogs has definitely become one of the highlights of my day. i don't always comment...mostly because i am holding a screaming newborn in one hand...but i love being able to read about friends all over the place and feel like i'm not so alone.

so keep up the good work, ladies! because i have a sneaking feeling that you are my social life for the next couple of months.


Rachel Chick said...

You're incredible, Lynsey. Being a mother certainly is a . . . refining process - and you're doing a beautiful job. I wish we lived closer and I could help you out, but I'm grateful that regardless of how hard it is to type with one hand, you still keep blogging! We're praying for you! So what happened with the formula? No luck? Still "tap dancing"? :) LOL!

Lindsay Jane said...

Lynsey. I heart you. I'm sorry its starting all over again, but I also know Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways, but he always works.

Sara and Company said...

Ok....not only is it hard to have no sleep, and have your hormones acting like a tornado hit it after having a baby, and trying to still be a mom to the older child when the younger one demands so much, but non-stop crying can just put you over....anyone over. It should be so easy....so natural.....why is it so hard then? I'm glad you have a long-term perspective as those few months of hard can seem like an eternity. Thinking of you and your sweet Leah.

The Pyne's said...

oh lynsey, that is so what I needed to hear!!! I mean not the part about you having a hard time, but the part about how we need to give them the love that they need and that we signed up for this...even though some days I wonder why I did sign up for it. Some days I hate being a mom (I know.....not good), and I find myself being selfish a lot of the time just so I can try to make myself feel better and get over all this anxiety and depression, but right now the kids just aren't exactly helping. I actually think they make it worse. But I need to focus on the right things and let my kids know how much I do love them. Good luck...I hope you find something that helps this time around. WE MISS YOU GUYS!!!

5 cute kids said...

I remember a NICU nurse looking at me and saying "honey this too shall pass." When Bridger was not breathing on his own, he made NO noise, not even a wimper and I wanted no loathed for him to CRY a big CRY one I could hear down the hall. The kind that would send you running to see what was the matter. Well that did not happen. I kept praying for those little lungs to work, and you know what, they do. Usually at the most inopertune times, but I prayed for them to work and I am greatful that my prayers were answeres. Just remember that one day, you too will be looking at Leah sitting quietly coloring or playing with her cabbage patch kid, and think "I used to thing you would NEVER be so quiet!" Please remember we are here for you thinking about you and praying for you. This too shall pass lyns!

Francis and Fawn Becker said...

Oh sweet Lynsey....being a mom can be a real pain in the butt. I hope things get better soon. But I have an idea. Let me pick up Caleb for the party next Friday and please, please call me this week or just send me an e-mail and tell me when I can come by and give you a hand. I will have my mom watch my kids. Just let me know when I can come by to help :) Oh and I watched the online show....can I get your autograph??

Rachel H. said...

YOU ARE SO AMAZING! I cannot say it or think it enough. I know you are dealing with so much, and I just love your outlook. Thank you for being willing to share it.
Wish we were closer and could do something more, but know you are in our thoughts and prayers...

Marci Ward said...

I'm so sorry you little babies are so hard at first. It seems those first few months can be brutal and I think you are actually doing quite well. You may not feel like you are...but you will triumph! (I'm saying this with one hand in the air..ya know Rocky style:) Good luck with that little lady and I wish I could come babysit while you have a nap...wish we were closer. One thing I remember not doing is asking for help...call someone you trust and just ask them to come over for an hour...it'll make life so much better. You can do it, and if I know you...you'll do it well!

Melissa said...

Poor girl! I only have one and she was a relatively easy baby and i would get so frustrated. Remembering the first 8 weeks it what truly makes it hard to think about having another. And lots of time taking care of them 24 hours a day feels like a thankless job. If it helps, know that all of us out here know what an amazing thing you are doing! And I think it is so normal to feel what you are feeling. This too shall pass! I dont remember where you are living right now. i think it utah. IF you need me to drive down one day and help you let me know. I swear I will come. I think moms needs all the support they can get in those first few months. you havem y email if you need anything. SERIOUS!!!

Erika said...

You have such a way with words Lynsey I just love reading your blog. And I'm so sorry that's got to be so hard. I cry at stuff and my baby can poop on his own. But I know what you mean about feeling resentful sometimes, but you're RIGHT they don't do it on purpose I need to remember that too. you're awesome, I'm thinking of you!!!

S and RA Beazer said...

I wish we lived closer so we could drop in and hold the fussy little one. She really needs serious grandma time. Luckily she is so beautiful that you can't help but adore her. Looks like her mother and yes even some of her dad in her.

Mike and Jenny said...

Oh Lyns, I am sorry. At least she is cute. My heart breaks as I hear about your sweet babe, but my heart breaks more for you. I seriously would have been an alcoholic if I weren't LDS with my second. There is a reason there is such a big break between number two and three. I keep praying for you. I wish I could come take her for a few hours to give you a break, but I can't so I just keep praying. Know you are in my thoughts!!!

The Hunter's said...

your kids are so lucky to have a mom like you! i have such a hard time savoring every moment, especially when they are hard. but try to enjoy holding her. it won't last forever!!

Lauren Horsley said...

Hey Lyns - there's a running theme in all these comments from loving friends/fam - we've all been there and we feel your pain! As the mother of a fussy baby, you're in good company!

We know what it's like to not shower for 3 days, weep from sleep depravation, helplessly comfort a comfortless child, and monmentarily contemplate running away to Hershey, PA (to get a job as a chocolate taster).

And we also know it passes. Not long from now Leah will be through those first torturous months and you (having slept well, showered, done your hair and actually eaten breakfast) will be enjoying all the wonderful things about her.

Just hang in there! It gets better and better and better and better and better and better...

Shellee said...

So sorry. I've never had one as collicky (sp?) as you or Aim, but Hal cried her afternoons away for several months, and Jake cried if you didn't hold him. So I always got a break at some point. Wish I could help you. Hang in there. I know I always say this, but... Eventually they go school. Squeeze and kiss her for me.

Brooke said...

Lyns, you are certainly one amazing woman - not because of what you have been given stewardship over but because you are you. If only you could understand what everyone thinks of you. I think you would be overwhelmed by it. You certainly have been given you fair - or unfair - share of burden. I'm not going to say "hang in there" or "this too shall pass" - I'm just going to say "LOVE YOU" and then I'm going to pray for you.

Joel and Carrie said...

I liked this. I will tell you that my first two were the most colicky cryin' kids. I remember holding my crying newborn, while I was crying, and would cry to my husband "Have fun at work!" I guess third time is a charm because you nailed it when you said CJ is a chiller. He's a gentle Buddha. Just eats us out of house and home but that's it.

Tui Family said...

Oh Lyns,
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. And, I can promise you, although we all hate to admit it, you are not the only one who has felt feelings of resentment toward their screaming child. Hang in there. It will get better. I promise! If you need a shoulder to cry on, give me a call! Love you!